I'm going to vent for a moment, I apologize. I'm not asking for sympathy, just need to put some thoughts down and get it out. Sometimes I think how much I love my job. Some nights I take care of the most precious babies and children you can imagine. I LOVE when I get to rock a baby, bottle feed, bathe, and oohhh and gahh over a tiny lovely face.
Other times I think how sad, overwhelming, stressful, and powerful my job is in my life. I don't think I realize how intense (no pun intended) my work is and how heavy it can lay on my heart when I go home. Why does God allow horrible things to happen to His precious children, and by children, I mean CHILDREN? And what's even worse there have been time that I have thought, "this poor child needs a new family, their family doesn't deserve them!! " Being in Memphis we see tend to see some pretty horrible things parents do to their children and I am appalled each time however when I'm at work, it's work. I'm here 12hrs, I also need to distance myself or the reality of it all will truely hinder the care I provide.
Lastly, I think about the chronically ill children that we have in our unit at times. These to me are the hardest. I have a hard time wrapping my head and heart around their little lives. I wish that they could talk, not breath on a vent their whole lives, and have a real childhood. I can't image the choices these parents make about the care and future of these kids. Again, God, why?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Some times the daily stresses of life totally get in the way and block our view of how awesome life is. As you have read this blog is meant to be a place for me to reflect and I am so thankful for all the I have in this life. God has blessed me more than I deserve! Just to update you on my weekend I went home to Little Rock. My how fast the weekends go by!!! I hated to leave Sunday afternoon!!!
I wanted to stay and spend time with my parents. My mom recently got a new puppy, Greta and she is perfect. Gretchen, her alternate personality, however is not perfect. She bites everything she can get in her mouth with her sharp puppy teeth...your hand, finger, Charter's tail, anything other than a toy. It was so fun watching Charter and Greta together. I can't wait for Bailey to meet her and see what she thinks!! Most importantly I am so thankful for my mom to have her. After Abby passed away 4 or 5 years ago my parent's house has not been the same without a dog. My mom is so incredibly happy to have that pup to love on and it brings a smile to my face to know that she is happy!
Saturday afternoon I went to Sarah's and spent a few hours with her, Brit, Jason, Silas, Sarah and John, and couple friend of Sarah and Taylor's from Sunday School. They had a few people over after the Razorback win (which I'm thankful for too :). I wish so much that I could spend more time with Sarah. I hate being hours away, I'd love to be able to run over to each others house for a cup of coffee or glass of wine when we just want to talk for a bit. I'll be in Little Rock for awhile over Thanksgiving and hope to catch up on some of that time!
Sunday, I went to my grandmother's for a yummy pre-thanksgiving lunch! So Good!! That afternoon I met Stuart at deer camp and we went hunting. So fun!! We sat for a while in a box stand and never saw anything until it was just starting to get dark. I spied a buck about a long way out and then we saw 4 doe. I love seeing deer!!! Of course they were to far to get a shot, but it was beautiful. Being a girl I then had to go to the bathroom really bad, but held it until it was offically dark. I didn't want to be "that girl." Stuart, thanks for taking me hunting!!! It's fun to share hunting adventures with you! I feel like a girl in the hunting videos!
Now, I'm back in Memphis, working 3 nights in a row, praying they go by fast so I can celebrate all that I'm thankful !!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
I went to Little Rock this weekend so Dad and I could go to Fayetteville for the Razorback game. Friday night Sarah and I went to dinner and on my way to her place I was yet again reminded how much I miss the hills of Little Rock. I know it's crazy, but driving up and down the curvy hills and seeing all the trees...ahhh I miss it so much!!! Memphis is so flat and urban! Although it was dreary I loved seeing all the hills again and I'll always appreciate that aspect of going home.
Sarah and I had a wonderful time at dinner. We had sushi at Samuri - which was okay. One of our rolls was a little questionable but still everything was pretty good. It was great to visit with her and have some fun. I can only imagine how Sarah feels day-to-day, it was nice to see her smile and laugh and also have a moment to talk about how she's doing. I wish so much we could go back to June and have sweet Mamie with us!!! I was so looking forward to watching my best friend with her little girl.
Dad and I made it up to The Hill around 10am Saturday morning. The weatherman was completely off. He said it was going to be 60 and sunny, well it was 50 and cloudy. Luckily I had packed a red sweater and thankfully I was comfortable during the game. We picked the perfect game to go to!!! When I was little I remember going to several games with my dad and it was so fun to have the experience again. At times we were biting our nails but mostly giving high fives and enjoying an Arkansas win!
After spending 6 hrs in the car to spend 3 hours in Fayetteville we made it home. A few sips of red wine and I was out for the count!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday around 4 Stuart finally got home from deer hunting, I was so ready to see him! I have a love/hate relationship with deer hunting. I think the hate part is obvious. He leaves me alone almost every weekend from October through January to sit in a tree - alone- waiting - like me.
The love part is the hard part but basically it's cheesy. I've learned to appreciate his passion. In the the whole scheme of things what if he just sat around all the time without anything to do. I would go crazy, we would both go crazy. Every year I'm learning to respect his passion more and more. The look in his eyes when he tells me about the deer he has seen or even better have killed is seriously like the look in my eyes when I walk into Target. Ok well, I'm not that passionate about Target, but his eyes definitely have a twinkle.
We've started a tradition that I go hunting with Stuart every Thanksgiving weekend. I love sharing that time with him and I think he loves that I enjoy going. 3 or 4 years ago Stuart and I shot two doe from the same stand, and it was awesome!! We were in a winter wheat field with it's bright green leaves and the cool breeze, it was beautiful. We watched 6 doe eating, I think it's amazing to sit there and watch the serenity of nature. Two of the doe walked directly under our stand. Stuart talked me through aiming and firing, which I did. Stuart's initial thought was that I missed. He said, "Hand me the gun," and I did. Wanting me to experience what it was like to be a part of a kill, he aimed and shot at the second deer. After a few minutes we clambered down the stand and went searching for our deer. (Well really Stuart's deer since he thought I missed). Well, I didn't miss nor did Stuart and it was awesome! (Yes, I had to help clean, but we won't go there).
I guess having experienced the challenge and thrill of hunting with Stuart gave me a little more respect for his desire to sit and wait and watch in a tree. I have my moments when I'm cranky and ticked that he's gone. I'm trying to remind myself how much he loves it and there's not way I would ever take that passion away. There are benefits. We miss each other like crazy and when he gets home we have fun catching up, telling about our weekends. You know that old saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" - I believe it during this time of year. Our time together when he's home is always more special.
I'm not going to lie though, I'll probably have to refer to this post several time during this season!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I live in a one bedroom apartment in the greatest community in Memphis, Harbor Town. There are many things I love about my apartment. First, it's within walking distance of many places/people I love...Stuart's house (approx. 1 mile away), Lindsey and Landon's (could throw a football to their house), the pool (a.k.a. Cancun Spring Break 2009), Miss Cordelia's, Meghan's, the list goes on and on. I love that it takes me maybe an hour to do a really through cleaning. I love that it takes 5 pieces of furniture to make my place homey. I love that I can burn one candle for 15 minutes and whole apartments smells delicious.
There are things that make me laugh about my apartment. It has a fireplace that could maybe hold one decent size log. This actually scares me too, thinking about other people lighting a log in their tiny fireplaces is not comforting. Also why do apartment planners think everything has to be mini? My fridge is mini, as well as the oven, and laundry closet. When I open the doors to put clothes in the dryer they scratch across the front of the dryer which sounds like finger nails on a chalk board. I also laugh because my closet feels bigger than the kitchen and the hall closet might hold 5 coats and barely holds my 1990 canister vacuum cleaner.
Living in a one bedroom apartment is not ideal, but I really do love it for now. I do miss my house in Joneboro with it's old feel and gigantic back yard. I miss working in the flower beds and watching my plants grow. I miss the picture window in the kitchen and the floor to ceiling shower curtain I made myself. I REALLY miss the hundred year old sycamore tree in the back yard. Even with all the sap and leaves it is so majestic and beautiful!! However I don't miss cutting the grass!!
I've lived in this one bedroom apartment for almost 5 months, I look forward to something bigger and my own. For now I'm going to enjoy this small place, call it home and appreciate this quaint little place.
Monday, September 28, 2009
nThere's just so much to say. I wanted to do this blog to write about everything I'm thankful for to celebrate just being alive!! I want to harp on everyone and everything and wanted to start by telling everyone how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family and friends. I'm starting to feel like I'll never catch up, so I have to write about my weekend and then I'll slowly add all the other stuff!
Friday night Stuart and I had enjoyed time on the patio with Charter and Bailey and it was FAB!! I worked Thursday night so I slept most of the day Friday. Stuart has some work to do in Marion so I had time to paint my toenails and do a mud mask on my face...which was awesome!! I turned on some tunes and really relaxed after a long work week. We had grilled deer tenderloin, fried okra, and sliced tomatoes!! I absolutely LOVE that Stuart enjoys cooking so much. He really is so good! We we first started dating I had to learn to eat my meat medium to medium rare and also had to learn how to fry. My mom never really fried things, but Stuart, he'll fry just about anything! (I promise we don't allow ourselves to do it that often).
Saturday afternoon we watched part of the Arkansas game - we won't go there - that's one thing I'm not thankful for :). But, Saturday night we attended Kristen and Blake's wedding. First, it has rained for 40days and 40 nights here is Memphis, so the fact that it was not raining was UNBELIEVABLE!! Secondly, it was just a beautiful night!!!! After the wedding we went to one of our favorite Beale St. stops B.B. Kings which is one of those places you always have a good time. The band was so fun as was our company. It was just a super fun day!!!
Sunday, Stuart went to work at deer camp. Yippe!! :( I headed to church. Have you ever had that moment that you say, I'm pretty sure God interjected here?! Yeah, that was my Sunday morning. I know God wanted me this church service. The church's moto is this: The perfect place for imperfect people. Every time I go it's like a breath of fresh air!! The worship is awesome, the teaching is real and truth and challenging. I just love this church and have so much to learn about it! This Sunday happened to be the church's 7th Anniversary. During the worship they had a painter, Mike Lewis a.k.a the Jesus Painter, painting three HUGE portraits of Jesus. It was breathtaking!!! Before he was done with each painting a big lump formed in my throat because they were so incredibly beautiful!!
Here's a link to Highpoint's website...you can watch Sunday's service by going to the section marked imperfect.tv and clicking on Sunday Services
I'm so happy to have this church in Memphis. I have so much to say about it but have talked your eyes off by now...I'll definitely add more later!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My next few posts will be about all the important people in my life. I thought I would start with my family since in the whole scheme of things they were the first people to know me.
My mom, Bonnie, is an incredible woman. She has worked hard for my brother and I so we could have many of the things she didn't have growing up. This meant a lot of sacrifice. I know more than anything she wanted to stay at home with us when we were young, but our education and the ability to participate in the activities we wanted to was so important to her as well. To this day she is still working full time and I'm sure wishing she could be home working in the flower beds. I appreciate her more than she knows. She and my dad sent me to private school, allowed me to cheer competitively (which involved lots of travel), and sent me to college (twice :), paid for me to be in a sorority, the list goes on. I appreciate all these things. But, more importantly my mom is my friend. She love me so much and it puts a smile on my face to think of her. She's always there, but she also knows when to push me to be a grown up. She's so kind hearted!
My dad, Wayne is pretty fabulous too!! One funny trait of his that I have seemed to adopt is repetition. If there is something he really wants to say he'll say it three times, three different ways in the same conversation. I've discovered that I to do that too. Like my mom, dad had worked hard to give me so much!! He's always been the one with the run down cars, beat up tennis shoes, and cereal for dinner :)...although I believe this is truly his favorite meal! My dad loves the simple things in life and has taught me to appreicate all that I have. In last few years he has started to build furniture which I am so excited about!!
Lastly is my brother Jesse who like my mom is a softy. He is very kind hearted, and does want to hurt anyone. Jesse's path through life has been hard, he doesn't see all that he can be and has allowed himself to follow a path through life that most of us wouldn't chose. However, I know a lot of folks praying for him - like me!! I KNOW one day he will be happy!! I was able to visit with him a few weeks ago with mom and dad and it was good!! We laughed about old times and talked about what's ahead. I'm just going to keep praying for my sweet little bro!!
I'd say for the past ten years I've been counting down the time, anxious for what's going to happen next. I've always waited anxiously for the perfect man, the perfect career, the perfect house/home, the perfect life...the perfect plan. I've never allowed myself to sit back and breath and be happy and TRUELY content and joyous in whatever place I am in life.
I'm tired of allowing this discontent in my life. I'm not saying I'm not a happy/joyous person - I am, I just want to celebrate my life. I am so thankful for everything I have, I'm thankful for every person in my life. I don't want to sit and wait anymore, I want to live in the moment, experience the joy of the people and things I'm surround by everyday. I don't want to watch the sand in the hourglass trickle so quickly that I was never able to really play the game.
I'm flipping the hourglass over, filling the top bulb up and allowing myself to really feel life and love it! All of this may sound cheesy, but I really haven't created this blog for you. I want this to be an outlet for me, for me express my joys and sorrows and excitement, but really allow a place for reflection. Those of you who know me, know I'm pretty much an open book so this blog will probably not surprise you. I just need to share my heart and my desire to allow my life to be all that God intended it to be!